Support for Children During Change
It is a month since the City of Los Angeles announced the physical distancing policy, and yesterday we received the news that schools will not go back until the new academic year. It was met with sadness in our household. No dramatic tears but a quiet sadness.
As I tucked my children into bed last night, a quiet moment opened. I was able to see into their eyes and was suddenly touched by their feelings of confusion and worry. The news of not returning to school for several more months, tipped the emotional balance.
I realize these past weeks, I’ve been in something of a reactive state … it’s understandable and normal. After the closure of school and work spaces, I jumped into dealing with the immediate need to make adjustments to our routine, reshuffling our resources, figuring out how to keep some semblance of normality, a juggling act of school, my work, meals, shopping, daily exercise trying to squeeze in some fun.
Looking into their eyes last night and feeling in to their sense of uncertainty was an important wake up call. For a moment I could see through their eyes … how in many ways their world has turned upside-down. The routines of moving between home and school, of moving between the supportive adults and the connection to friends, all serve to hold a container. Despite my best efforts not to overburden my children with too much information about what is happening with the pandemic, they are sponges. They immediately pick up and feel everything that we feel. They feel our uncertainty. So, I was able to see how destabilized they were really feeling.
The remedy last night was simply to open a space, and to let the questions and upset to be expressed. My response for much of it was just to let them know I heard and understood. I also shared I felt the same, acknowledging how sad I also felt and how unusual this all is.
I find it is important and powerful to validate my kids emotions as they arise and by simply giving space and acknowledging an emotion, such as sadness or worry, is enough dissipate its powerful charge.
I also find that sharing something authentic of my own emotional experience is an important learning opportunity for my kids. It has to be authentic, because of course they immediately know when I am not sharing from my truth. And I know whatever I share has to be done with care, it is a fine line to over-burdening or over involving them in my own emotional experience. Rather, sharing in this way shows them something about how I work things out. It says, “OK this uncomfortable feeling is happening right now, but I can allow it to be in the space. I don’t need to push it away or be frightened of it. I can be with it and I trust it will move in time.”
As my children drifted to sleep, I reminded them that this will not last forever. How when they are old and grey, they will be able to tell their own grandchildren stories of what happened when they were children. How they couldn’t go to school for a few months. And all the tiny adventures they got up to, all the new things they learned, such as learning how to make bread, how to grow beans, how to make inventive things from bits and pieces they found in the house.
If you are looking for a space to destress right now, to ground, breathe and connect with other Mom’s, join the online Mother’s Circle, every Tuesday night 8.30-9.30pm. Sign-up for the link here. This is a free offering!
Sending love and hoping you are doing well!